Dealing with Unhappiness and Stress in Life: A Guide

When facing unhappiness and stress in life, it’s essential to find effective ways to cope. Many of us grapple with these emotions, but a recent revelation during a leisurely walk made me ponder. As I gazed at the trees and buildings lining the streets, emptying my mind of personal concerns, an unprecedented sense of relaxation washed over me.

This experience prompted me to explore why this happened, and here are some thoughts that may help you as well.

In life, what comes to mind when we talk about relaxation?

• Dining with friends or singing at a KTV
• Watching your favorite shows on the couch or playing video games
• Sweating it out at the gym
• Strolling through the woods or basking in the sun on the beach
• Getting a good night’s sleep

If we analyze these activities’ common thread, it’s the act of diverting our attention to external factors that aren’t burdened with immediate concerns, or temporarily losing consciousness, such as through drinking or sleeping.

Conversely, when we think of stress, what images come to mind?

• Public speaking in front of strangers
• Reprimands from teachers or bosses
• Confessing feelings or breaking up with someone
• Feeling lost about the purpose and value of our lives

Most stress-inducing situations stem from the potential judgment they bring upon us. Excessive self-focus often leads to high levels of stress and unhappiness.

Understanding this, we can better comprehend why certain types of individuals tend to be perpetually unhappy.

The Perfectionists

Perfectionists feel an irresistible urge to improve and perfect everything related to themselves. They exhaust themselves in pursuit of an unattainable standard, often leading to self-blame, depression, and negative self-evaluation when they fall short.

The Indecisive

People with decision-making difficulties struggle to make satisfactory choices, experiencing panic and anxiety when forced to decide among several options. Their fear isn’t just of making a choice but of the judgment they’ll face if it isn’t the best one.

The Depressed

Depressed individuals may outwardly appear friendly and hardworking, like most others. However, internally, they suffer from low self-esteem, a sense of uselessness, helplessness, and guilt about past or present events.

Why do people experience such profound stress when they shift their focus inward?

We often say that human nature is fragile, and so is the self.

What is the self? Humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers defines it as the sum of a person’s past life experiences. These experiences encompass both positive and negative events, along with many experiences that resist classification or evaluation, creating a complex self.

Our brains tend to simplify by labeling people or situations as good or bad, right or wrong, without delving into the complexities. We prefer simplicity over objectivity and comprehensiveness.

Since everyone is multifaceted, with both strengths and weaknesses, we often resort to simplification. We want to choose between good and bad aspects of ourselves rather than embracing our full complexity.

Shifting our focus away from ourselves and toward external matters allows us to relax and find contentment. When we immerse ourselves in serene landscapes, we experience tranquility because we only need to connect with the outside world, not compare ourselves to it.

Conversely, when we engage in competition or self-presentation, the inevitable scrutiny of others and self-doubt pulls our attention inward. This makes it challenging to remind ourselves to be happy.

Especially for those sensitive to negative information, they fear facing their true selves. Like perfectionists or those struggling with decisions, they engage fervently in trivial or unimportant tasks to avoid making mistakes and confronting their imperfect selves.

Hence, when many people become unhappy or doubt themselves, I remind them to shift their focus: “Focus on the issue at hand, not on the person.” Achieving this isn’t easy. Even if they intellectually grasp this concept, real-life experiences can distort their self-perception, redirecting their focus back to self-evaluation.

True change is a slow process, requiring time, experience, and reflection. The difference between younger individuals below 30 and more mature individuals above 40 might be the realization that our inner world is not black and white. After encountering life’s challenges, we acknowledge our and others’ imperfections, accepting the unchangeable aspects of ourselves.

In essence, the world remains unchanged; what transforms is our perception of the world and ourselves.